dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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