I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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