When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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