Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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