Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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