I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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