So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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