Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
