But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
