when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
