i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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