One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
