2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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