im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
