who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
