you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
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Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
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want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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