Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
