i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
