no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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