Where is the hickey?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
how drunk are you?
Several
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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