After last night, I could never be a politician.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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