guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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