I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
