sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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