so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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