Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
