Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
