I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
