Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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