He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
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She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
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It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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