Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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