Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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