There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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