Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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