All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
