and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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