The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
