You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Randomize
