Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
