when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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