I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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