i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
