Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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