maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
