My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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