he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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