Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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