thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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