btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
