I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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