My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
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Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
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I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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