Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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