She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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