apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
