im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
