I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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