Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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