its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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